Do you ever have those days when all of the sudden you see EVERYTHING that has to be done and the fact that it's not done and will only be done when you do it makes you feel like there's an elephant on your chest? Before this moment the gross baseboards were just there, the chaotic closet was annoying but functional, the stack of books without a home could wait...but then all at once, none of it can wait. Somehow, today, every unorganized nook and un-mopped floor became a reminder that I'm failing -that I'm not good enough.
It's just so weird to think that yesterday I was living fairly contently in this not so perfect house of mine and today I feel like the walls are closing in on me and I have to do something about it before I go crazy. So, in an attempt to combat the anxiety, I made a list of things that needed to get done. It's amazing how merely the act of writing a list can give you back a small sense of control. Don't get me wrong. This is not a post about how I turned my anxiety into productivity and had an awesome day. In fact, it's the opposite because after a few hours of laundry, vacuuming and mopping my giant pregnant body began to rebel against the plan. If it had been any other day, I probably would have given myself a pat on the back for getting a few things checked off my list and taken it easy the rest of the day. But I just couldn't relax today. In fact, I still felt the panic and need to address all the problem areas along with the nagging discomforts of an overworked pregnant body. You can imagine how pleasant I was to be around. Ha! My poor children. I was a beast. And then Jimmy came home and it just made things worse. Oh great, now I have to deal with the shame of him hearing me snap at the kids. And he's probably annoyed that I'm not coming downstairs to greet him or ask how his day was. Just another person whose needs keep getting in the way of me getting all this stuff done that has to get done and no one else is going to do it. Oh great, and now I have to deal with the guilt of being horrible to my kids all day and now to my husband. Ahh!!! Yes, it was a bad day.
Finally, I'm making myself sit here and get it all out. I'm one of those people who often doesn't know why they're feeling or acting a certain way until they write it all down. Clarity almost always comes and with clarity a little sense of peace -something I was in great need of tonight. And as always, I'm humbled by the forgiving nature of a child. I really was awful today, but at the end of it all, they know only how to snuggle and hug, not to hold a grudge. I Thank God for that and the hope of a better day tomorrow.
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