Thoughts on Miscarriage and Abortion

Well, I used to be pregnant.  I used to be 16 weeks and 2 days pregnant.  I was feeling all the energy and normal-ness that returns in the second trimester.  I was excited for our 20 week ultrasound next month, and a little scared too.  And then I had the appointment.  I immediately knew that something was wrong when the nurse couldn't find the heartbeat with the doppler.  She played it off like it was no big deal and went to get the doctor who would surely find it.  Meanwhile I lay there, as the words, "this is happening" repeated through my mind.  Sure I let myself hold onto a sliver of hope as the doctor tried and failed with the doppler and proceeded to the ultrasound, but deep down I knew it was over.  This pregnancy and all that I thought was happening was all kind of unreal now.  I had been telling people I was pregnant and yet that little heartbeat had sputtered out 3 weeks ago.  I kind of felt like a fake.  I remembered each touch of the belly, anxiously anticipating the first butterfly kicks.  It felt kind of silly now.  I don't feel that way anymore.  But, initially, there was this weird sense of embarrassment, like I had been fooled and perpetuated this trickery somehow.  I don't know if that's normal.

I wasn't grief sticken like I felt might be expected.  Don't get me wrong, I was sad, but I had a strangely practical approach.  My sister had recently miscarried twins around 12 weeks and I was fully aware that 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage and this was my fourth.  I did feel some relief at the 12 week appointment when we finally found that little heartbeat and the doctor told me my chances of miscarriage just went down by 80%.  However, I went to my 16 week appointment thinking there might be something wrong because I hadn't felt movement.  That was the only sign of trouble.  When they told me there was no heartbeat, I had the realization that this was actually happening.  So many women go through this and now it was my turn so...now what? I never had guilt or thought I caused this somehow.  It just happens and it actually happened to me, and yes I'm upset and sad but again...now what?

According to the doctor, I had two options. I could take a pill that would induce labor and actually go to the hospital to deliver this tiny baby/ fetus/ tissue. (I hope that doesn't offend anyone.  Personally, I'm having trouble defining it).  When I asked how bad the pain would be and the Dr. said they would offer me an epidural, that option was a no-go.  I was left with getting a D&C. However, I would have to go to a specialist at a clinic because the baby/fetus/tissue was too big for my doctor to perform the D&C.  I opt for the clinic, not really considering what this "clinic" might be like.  I started researching and sure enough, it's an abortion clinic.  Ok...that may be too general of a term, but it's a clinic where they terminate pregnancies and prefer to deal in up front cash transactions.  I started freaking out.  I absolutely hated the idea of going to a place where they did abortions and having a doctor who performed them.  I had never imagined I would be put in this situation or that I would have such an emotional response to it.  I felt panicked.  I didn't know what to do, but after talking to a friend who had lost a baby at 17 weeks who had opted for labor and delivery, I knew that was not what I wanted. (Not sure why I can call my friend's a baby but have such a hard time labeling mine the same?) Feeling out of options, I kept my appointment at the clinic the next morning.  

I can't say it was a mistake but I can say it was not the right place to send someone who just had a miscarriage.  I felt so uncomfortable, a feeling that was only made worse by the paper work.  There was a "Consent to Terminate Pregnancy" document that I passed over because it obviously didn't apply to me.  But sure enough they had me come to the front desk to sign at the bottom.  When I asked why, they assured me that it didn't apply to me but I still had to sign it.  I wish I had fought back more, but I just wanted to get this over with.  I signed it and sat back down and held back the tears, as some woman repeatedly told her crying toddler to "shut up".  And of course there just had to be a woman there who, judging from her phone conversations and her meetings with the front desk staff, was trying to figure out how she was going to finance her abortion.  I'm not judging these other people at the clinic.  I feel like telling my kids to shut up all the time.  I have no idea the details of this other woman's circumstances, but the whole setting was just wrong for someone in my shoes.  I shouldn't have been there.  Fortunately,  it did get better after I got out of that waiting room.  The nurses were some of the nicest nurses I've ever had.  The doctor seemed compassionate and competent. I hated the idea that he was so "experienced" at this procedure but at the same time, it made it easier to trust his judgment to do the one day rather than the two day procedure.  I avoided general anesthesia, and instead was given some psychedelic drugs that sent me to bizzaro world just long enough for them to do the procedure.  It was way cheeper.  And again, the nurses were great.  

Of course I've been analyzing the whole "clinic" experience to death.  I've read a lot of things in the past 6 months to solidify my pro-life stance, but my visit to the clinic made me realize that it is so much more than picking a side.  I felt physically ill at the idea of being at a place like the clinic, as well as once I was actually there.  I felt it in my bones and in my gut that abortion is wrong.  At the same time, I gained a new perspective.  I didn't just look from the outside and say this place is "evil" and all who work there are bad people.  I felt the compassion of the nurses and doctor.  I know they deeply believe what they are doing is right and that they're helping people.  Probably as I deeply believe it's not.  I can't judge them for interpreting things differently.  I can't even confidently define what they removed from me -I  get how blurry things can be.  But, I also know how I felt and what I feel, and that it's not something I could ever support. 

So what now? Well, I'm finding it's not as easy as I thought to just move on.  I feel like emotionally I'm dealing with the loss well, but the physical effects of the D&C are lingering about, annoyingly.  Also, I thought the absence of pregnancy symptoms would HELP me move on, but instead my little boobs just make me sad. Ha ha.  Or the diminishing pooch that I'm used to rubbing at night, just reminds me that I don't have an excuse not to do sit-ups.  I even miss the the throbbing of those varicose veins on my leg.  So "moving on" is taking time, but that's good, right?  It wouldn't be right to just go on like all this never happened. A lot of good has come of this little event in our life.  It has brought Jimmy and I together.  It has made me more aware of the friendships and the goodness of the people in our new home.  And most importantly, it has made me even more aware of the presence of God in my life and the miracle of my three great kids.  Thanks for listening to my story -this was very therapeutic!

-Holly
*After reading through this I just wanted to make it clear that I'm not trying to downplay miscarriage.  Everyone's experience is different and any amount of grief is completely justified.  This is me just being honest about how I reacted and handled it. 

Fruit Leather Valentines

 

Last year's very last minute valentines were inspired by a Winnie the Pooh book called, "Friendship Day."  Thank you Eeyore, you grumpy old donkey you.  Considering it was the morning of and I had everything on hand, and they were HEALTHY...I was pretty proud of myself.  (I've gotten pretty good at tootin' my own horn these days...who else is going to?) Anyway, it's super simple.  Using Fruit Leathers and small polk-a-dot cup cake liners we made ribbons for our very worthy friends.  I cut out circles for the middle and chose to the phrase "Prize-Winning Valentine"(from the book), but I think #1 Friend/Valentine would be work too!  I think the larger liners would be cute -or  even layered with the small ones.  We just went with what was available, but there are so many ways to make these better. Anyway...Happy Valentine's Day to all the last minute moms like myself!

Confessions

My brain is full of weird interesting thoughts lately.  Pregnancy. *Sigh*

So here's my list of confessions that I've been thinking about...for some reason.

1.  After being on Instagram for quite sometime, I still had no idea what the hashtags were all about. And even though I sometimes use them now, I still don't really get it.  I tagged a picture of my cute boys with #macboys and ended up adding their innocent faces to a collage of drag queens wearing MAC makeup.

2. Some part of me wanted to get pregnant just so my boobs would come back to life.

3. I sleep on the couch A LOT.  It's nice, sometimes, to just...fall asleep.  Typically once I decide to go to bed it takes me at least 30 minutes before my head actually hits the pillow.  By the time I've turned off all the lights, locked the doors, taken my prenatal vitamin, checked on the boys, brushed my teeth, flossed, washed my face, moisturized,  picked at all the bumps on my face, and gone to the bathroom, I'm just not that tired anymore.  And chances are I'm hungry again and I CAN'T go to sleep hungry.  So, yeah. Sometimes it's nice to just fall asleep and not worry about all the other stuff.

4. I no longer fold blankets.  I just wad them up and throw them on a shelf in the linen closet.  There's a lot of fort making and pile making going on around here.  It's just not worth it anymore.

5.  I think I'm getting varicose veins on the back of my leg.  Just what my already less than attractive legs need.

6.  When I resolve to keep a cleaner and more orderly home, I don't mean vacuum lines in the carpet or organized toy bins.  Heck, I'm even ok with going to bed with a dirty kitchen sometimes and throwing a pile of clean clothes on the floor in order to get in bed.  All I mean is basic sanitation and not having shoes and jackets strewn about all over the entry.  That's all I'm striving for a this point.

A Bad Habit Justified

Apparently pregnancy and blogging go hand in hand for me.  So many weird thoughts running through my head, I have to get them out somehow.

So this is kind of an embarrassing bad habit.  Lately, I'm having a hard time staying on a good showering schedule.  In other words -I stink.  Actually that's the problem...I don't stink.  And my hair doesn't get greasy until like day 4.  Plus, I don't work out so I'm never sweaty.  See...justifications.  In fact, let me list them.

1. The above mentioned...I'm not super dirty or smelly and my hair hold up well. 

2. Our shower sucks! Terrible water pressure.  It takes a few chilly minutes to get completely soaked and warm.

3. My hair is too long.  So because of the terrible water pressure it takes 5 minutes just to get my hair wet enough to start shampooing. Long hair + low pressure = super long showers. 

4. Pregnancy makes me very tired at night. I typically shower at night but lately I just pass out on the couch and never even make it upstairs.

5. It's too cold for wet hair.  Since I'm not showering at night I have to shower in the morning (which is super hard to do with a 1 year old).  The problem is that means I have to blow dry my hair too because it's not really run errands with wet hair weather around here. 

6. Bathing is out of the question.  One time I let the boys fill the water up fairly high (I'm a minimalist when it comes to kid's bath water) in our big bath tub.  When the water started to cover the overflow "thingy" the most disgusting black stuff came out.  It's a rental house and I'm choosing just not to bathe rather than clean it out. 

Making this list actually helped.  First thing on the "To Do" list is get a hair cut!

8 Years

These are the flowers Jimmy got me for our anniversary on Monday.  Last year we celebrated by playing some golf, just as we had for the 6 anniversaries before, and spent the weekend at a fancy hotel in La Jolla.  This year we ate some breakfast together before Jimmy went to work.  Then Jimmy brought home some flowers and I served up some left overs.  After the kids went to bed we budgeted, argued a bit, and went to bed annoyed. Fortunately the days activities are in no way representative of these past 8 years with my best friend (we never eat breakfast together).

A Reason to Blog -Ewan Turns One!

It has been a while.  I feel like I'm in 7th grade again when I was so shy I wouldn't say anything all day unless I had to in class and then my words would get stuck in my throat and I wished I could just tell everyone I didn't really talk like that.  Thank goodness that's over.  I don't ever want to be reminded of 7th grade again.  (I take it back.  It wasn't all bad.)

When I realized Ewan turned one and I had no record of it, I finally felt motivated to get back to the blog.  If nothing else, this blog at least helps me feel a little less guilty about having given up journaling when I got married.  (Was I really only writing about boys?)

So onto my Big Bubba! He's not quite so huge now.  He hasn't really gained any weight since his 9 month check up but has gotten taller.  Now that he's closer to standard size, I  realize that I may have taken a bit of pride in my fat baby fed solely from one boob.  Whenever someone here (Colorado) says something about his size I find myself saying, "This is nothing.  You should have seen him a few months ago.  He doubled his birth weight in 8 weeks!!" It turns out you have to have known him to have any of that matter to you.  Now, he's just a solid 85th percentiler.  Nothing to gawk at but still plenty to love.  

Ewan, or as the nurse at the Doctor's office likes to call him, E-Wan, started walking just before his 1st birthday.  He stays busy trying to keep up with his big brothers and going places a one year should not go.  I would have to say he's my most willful child.  My kids are not stubborn.  They're easily distracted and quick to fall for all the usual tricks.  Ewan, on the other hand, is relentless.  He would love to be left alone to play in the trash, unroll all the toilet paper, climb on the table, pull everything within arms reach down, and climb inside every major appliance.  We are all busy.  

You know it's your third kid when you haven't given much thought to your kid's speech until they ask you about it at the 1 year check up.  When I took a minute to think about it, I realized he says, Mamma, Dadda, Ball, Book, More, Night Night, No No, and Banana (so those last 3 all sound almost the same but said in different contexts).  He loves to climb onto the little side table and look and me and say, "No No!" Pretty adorable.  He also makes really cute animal sounds for Dog, Kitty, Lamb and Fox (A fox pants like a dog...in case you were wondering). 

He's got 10 teeth already with which he likes to eat any fruit, cheese, and his vegetable of choice, broccoli.  He's not into milk yet. Ughh...he's going to be a hard one to ween. He's quick to smile and will go to anyone.  To sum up, Ewan is a busy boy who chooses playing and exploring over cuddling with Mom, every times.   He loves his Daddy, brothers and blankie.  We are so lucky to have him.

                

Unemployed

A while back I posted this picture to Instagram and Facebook with the following caption.

"If I could get fired from my job I probably would.  It's 1am, I'm going to bed and my kitchen looks like this.  Seriously, I can hear The Donald's 'You're fired!' ringing in my ear."

Today, while feeling overwhelmed by the amount of mess that has accumulated in my kitchen and front room since we arose this morning, it occurred to me that you couldn't pay someone to do what I do.  No one would ever dream of hiring ONE person to take care of their children, clean their house and provide all their meals. There are labor laws against that kind of stuff.  So, I guess I can't really expect to be the best caretaker, housekeeper and cook all the time because expecting that from anyone else would be completely unreasonable.  After this realization, I feel a bit less overwhelmed.  In fact, I think I'll leave the mess for a bit and play with the kids because if I can't do it ALL, I might as well do what's most important.